America Joins the Commonwealth: A Fucking Royal Disaster
You know what's hilarious? Trump wants America to join the British Commonwealth. Yeah, the country we fought a whole goddamn revolution to get away from. Makes perfect sense, right? Like moving back in with your ex after they cheated on you with France and Spain.
The way I see it, if America joins the Commonwealth, we'd basically be admitting, "Hey, sorry about that whole Declaration of Independence thing. Our bad. Can we come back now? We promise not to dump any more of your tea in the harbor."
You know who's excited about this idea? Absolutely fucking nobody. The British don't want us. We're like that drunk uncle at Thanksgiving who keeps bringing up politics and pissing in the potted plants. The Commonwealth is sitting there going, "Please God, not the Americans. We just got the place cleaned up."
And King Charles? That guy's been waiting seven decades to wear a crown, and now Trump wants to give him 50 new states to worry about. Poor bastard just wanted to talk to his plants and design biscuit tins, not deal with Florida.
The beautiful irony here is that we'd be joining a club we specifically created a holiday about not being in. Fourth of July parades would get real awkward. "Happy Independence Day! We're celebrating our freedom by... rejoining our colonizers? Hold on, I need to check my notes."
You know what's the most fucked up part? We'd have to put the Queen—sorry, King—on our money. Can you imagine? "In God We Trust" replaced with "God Save the King." The only thing Americans hate more than changing their money is the metric system, and we'd probably have to adopt that shit too.
I think what Trump really wants is those fancy royal titles. He's probably sitting there thinking, "Duke of Mar-a-Lago has a nice ring to it." Next thing you know, Eric Trump is the Earl of Trump Tower, and Don Jr. is the Viscount of Whatever-the-Fuck.
The British Commonwealth is basically Britain's way of saying, "We don't own you anymore, but we'd like to keep in touch." It's like an imperial Facebook group. And America joining would be like your dad trying to friend request you thirty years after walking out. "Hey sport, I know I haven't been around, but I'd love to reconnect. Also, can I borrow some money?"
You gotta love the timing too. Britain's over there dealing with Brexit, trying to figure out what the fuck they're doing, and here comes America saying, "Hey, mind if we crash on your couch for, I don't know, forever?"
I mean, what's next? Are we gonna ask if we can borrow the Crown Jewels for the Super Bowl halftime show? "Tom Brady needs something shiny to distract him from his divorce."
The truth is, America joining the Commonwealth would be like Michael Jordan joining a rec league basketball team. We're too big, too loud, and we'd ruin the whole goddamn thing. Plus, we'd insist on calling it "soccer" just to piss everyone off.
So yeah, Trump wants us to join the Commonwealth. And I want a unicorn that shits gold and speaks French, but we don't always get what we want, do we?
Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Let's join. I want to see the look on George Washington's face when we tell him we're back to being British subjects. We'd have to dig him up first, but it'd be worth it.
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