LOLA AND PULGUITA
MEET GABY: THE WORLD'S MOST EXTRAORDINARY CAT MOM™
Warning: This advertisement contains scenes of extreme book hoarding, compulsive Amazon shopping, and coffee consumption that may be too intense for ordinary pet owners.
INTRODUCING THE ULTIMATE FELINE MATERNAL FIGURE
Are you tired of average cat moms who merely provide food, shelter, and occasional affection? Do you long for someone who elevates cat motherhood to an art form bordering on obsession? Look no further than Gaby, the gold standard in cat maternal devotion that absolutely no one asked for but everyone now desperately needs.
Gaby isn't just a cat mom. She's THE cat mom. The alpha and omega of feline parenting. The benchmark against which all other cat-human relationships should be measured and subsequently found wanting.
QUALIFICATIONS THAT CANNOT BE QUESTIONED
By day, Gaby masquerades as a responsible adult, splitting her time between her roles as a special education case manager and dyslexia interventionist at a local elementary school. She helps shape young minds, guides struggling readers, and completes mountains of paperwork with the efficiency of someone who has their life together.
But don't be fooled by this professional facade.
The moment Gaby crosses her threshold, she transforms into her true form: A woman whose entire existence revolves around a cat named Lola. A cat who, by all accounts, tolerates Gaby's affection with the resigned dignity of royalty entertaining an overzealous subject.
UNPARALLELED DEDICATION TO CONSUMPTION
What sets Gaby apart from lesser cat parents? Her commitment to excess in all areas of life:
THE LIBRARY THAT ATE MANHATTAN
Gaby's home isn't just decorated with books—it's structurally supported by them. Load-bearing stacks of novels line every wall. Bookshelves groan under the weight of volumes she "will definitely read someday." Her TBR pile has developed its own gravitational pull, with smaller books now orbiting the larger ones.
When visitors ask if she's read all these books, Gaby laughs maniacally while ordering three more on her phone.
The truly impressive part? She's somehow convinced herself that Lola appreciates literature. That catnip-stuffed mouse shaped like Edgar Allan Poe? Educational. The scratching post designed to look like a bookshelf? Cultural enrichment. The fact that Lola prefers sleeping on the keyboard while Gaby tries to write book reviews? Simply literary criticism in its purest form.
THE AMAZON ADDICTION THAT KEEPS THE ECONOMY AFLOAT
Jeff Bezos has a photo of Gaby on his wall. Not because they're friends, but because her Amazon shopping habits single-handedly funded his second yacht. The delivery drivers have a dedicated parking spot at her home. They don't knock anymore—they just open the door and yell "It's Tuesday, so it must be cat toys!"
Gaby's Amazon algorithm has become sentient and now sends her concerned messages: "Are you sure you need another cat bed? Lola hasn't used the previous seventeen."
The boxes! Oh, the boxes! They arrive daily, filled with items Gaby convinced herself Lola desperately needs: gourmet cat food from Japan, a cat water fountain with Bluetooth capabilities, a custom-made cat tree modeled after Hogwarts Castle, and a heated cat bed that costs more than Gaby's actual human mattress.
Meanwhile, Lola continues to prefer the empty Amazon boxes to anything inside them.
THE COFFEE CONSUMPTION THAT ALARMS MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS
Gaby doesn't just drink coffee; she has a relationship with it that her therapist has described as "concerning." Her blood type is no longer A, B, O, or AB—it's simply "Dark Roast."
She owns coffee makers in multiple formats: drip, French press, pour-over, espresso machine, cold brew system, and something that looks suspiciously like laboratory equipment. Her kitchen counter resembles a coffee museum, with beans from every continent displayed like precious artifacts.
Gaby insists the caffeine is necessary to keep up with Lola's demanding schedule of sleeping 20 hours a day, occasionally walking across Gaby's keyboard, and knocking things off shelves at 3 AM.
THE LOLA WORSHIP EXPERIENCE
Now, about this supposed "unending and dedicated love" for Lola. "Supposed" is doing some heavy lifting here, as Gaby's devotion has transcended normal pet ownership and entered the realm of religious fervor.
Lola's face appears on Gaby's coffee mug, phone case, tote bag, custom socks, shower curtain, and possibly a small tattoo she got after her fourth espresso one particularly wild Tuesday.
Gaby's social media accounts are 90% Lola, 9% books, and 1% occasional proof she interacts with humans. Her camera roll contains 17,432 photos of Lola, most of which are nearly identical shots of the cat sleeping in slightly different positions.
Conversations with Gaby inevitably circle back to Lola within three minutes, regardless of the starting topic:
"The weather's nice today." "Yes! Lola loved sitting in the sunbeam this morning. Let me show you 47 photos."
"How's work going?" "Great! I was explaining dyslexia interventions to a parent when Lola called me. Well, she didn't call, but I have a special camera that alerts me when she moves from the living room to the bedroom. Want to see the footage?"
"There's a global pandemic." "I know! Thankfully, I've stockpiled enough cat food to last through three apocalypses. Lola won't miss a meal!"
THE PROFESSIONAL CREDENTIALS THAT MAKE IT WEIRDER
What makes Gaby's cat obsession particularly fascinating is the contrast with her professional life. This is a woman who holds multiple educational credentials, who guides children through learning challenges with patience and evidence-based strategies, who attends professional development seminars and can discuss pedagogical approaches with scholarly precision.
Then she goes home and baby-talks to Lola for forty-five minutes about being "the prettiest kitty princess in all the land."
Her colleagues respect her expertise in special education. Her students appreciate her dedication to helping them overcome dyslexia. None of them know she has a shared calendar with her cat or that she FaceTimes with Lola during lunch breaks.
TESTIMONIALS FROM THOSE WHO'VE WITNESSED THE PHENOMENON
"I came over for coffee once. Gaby introduced me to Lola before her actual human child. The cat had its own chair at the table." — A Concerned Friend
"She asked me to cat-sit while she attended a conference. I received a 17-page document of instructions, including Lola's preferred ambient temperature and a playlist of music that 'helps Lola process her feelings.'" — A Former Friend
"Gaby once canceled our dinner plans because, and I quote, 'Lola seems melancholy tonight and might need emotional support.' The cat was asleep when I FaceTimed to check." — Someone Who Needs New Friends
"I've seen her whisper 'I'll be right back' to the cat when leaving a room momentarily." — A Witness to Madness
THE INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME
For the low, low price of listening to endless stories about Lola's latest adorable behavior, you too can experience the Gaby phenomenon. Watch in amazement as she transforms ordinary cat activities into miraculous feats worthy of documentation and widespread sharing.
Did Lola use the litter box? Revolutionary! Did Lola eat her breakfast? Unprecedented! Did Lola acknowledge Gaby's existence with a slow blink? Stop the presses!
SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE:
Sudden awareness of how normal your own pet relationship is, an inexplicable desire to check Amazon for cat products you don't need, sympathetic caffeine jitters, and the uncanny ability to recognize Lola from any angle despite having never met this cat in person.
THE FINE PRINT
Gaby's love for Lola is, in fact, genuine and heartwarming, if slightly terrifying in its intensity. Behind the obsession is a woman with a big heart who channels her nurturing instincts into both her professional work with children and her relationship with her feline companion.
The books, the Amazon packages, the coffee—they're just the external manifestations of a person who loves deeply and without reservation, who finds joy in creating a perfect world for those in her care, whether they have two legs or four.
Just don't tell her we said that. She'll show you the scrapbook of Lola's "first year milestones," and none of us have that kind of time.
ACT NOW!
Actually, there's nothing to act on. Gaby isn't for sale or rent. This advertisement exists solely to document a phenomenon of nature: a special education professional with a heart of gold, a credit card bill of platinum, and a devotion to her cat that borders on the pathological.
Lola, meanwhile, continues to be a cat—magnificently indifferent to the empire built in her honor, yet somehow still deserving of every bit of it.
No cats were spoiled in the making of this advertisement. That's a lie. One cat was spoiled beyond all reasonable measure. She remains unimpressed.
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