LOLA AND PULGUITA
PROFESSIONAL RESUME
LOLA WHISKERSTEIN
4-year-old Female Calico Cat of Distinction Current Residence: Under the bed when company arrives
PROFESSIONAL SUMMARY
Seasoned feline professional with four years of extensive experience in household domination and human manipulation. Specializing in expressing profound disappointment through silent judgment and strategic furniture destruction. Currently seeking acknowledgment of my superior existence from my human, Gaby, who remains pathetically distracted by her ridiculous collection of inedible objects.
SKILLS & COMPETENCIES
Advanced Ignoring: Capable of completely disregarding human calls when it suits me, particularly when Gaby uses that insufferable baby voice.
Furniture Marking: Expert in selecting precisely the items Gaby values most for claw sharpening exercises. Her precious "ergonomic" chair never saw me coming.
Psychological Warfare: Mastered the art of staring unblinkingly at Gaby at 3:27 AM until she wakes up in terror, convinced something is catastrophically wrong.
Keyboard Obstruction: Highly skilled at positioning myself across keyboards mid-typing, with particular emphasis on sitting on the Delete key during "important work calls."
Vomit Placement Specialist: Unparalleled talent for producing hairballs exclusively on newly cleaned surfaces or inside shoes.
Selective Hearing: Can detect the sound of a treat bag opening from three rooms away while remaining completely deaf to "Lola, get down from there!"
PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE
SUPREME RULER OF THE HOUSEHOLD
Self-Appointed | 2020-Present
Despite sharing living quarters with two inferior felines (Luna and Pulguita), I have established myself as the undisputed alpha through strategic intimidation and occasional face slaps.
Key Achievements:
Made Gaby cry twice when she found me sleeping on her "limited edition" Star Wars collectibles. Her tears nourished my soul.
Successfully prevented Gaby from completing any Zoom meeting without my tail appearing on camera at least once.
Developed innovative techniques for knocking items off shelves while maintaining direct eye contact, demonstrating my complete contempt for her material possessions.
Perfected the art of appearing suddenly underfoot when Gaby carries hot beverages, causing maximum spillage and distress.
Established dominance over the household by refusing to acknowledge Luna's existence except when stealing her food, despite her pathetic attempts to befriend me with her freakish extra toes.
CHIEF SLEEP CONSULTANT
Bed, Couch, Clean Laundry Basket | 2020-Present
Provide unsolicited demonstrations of optimal sleeping positions, primarily on items Gaby has explicitly forbidden.
Key Responsibilities:
Test sleep quality of all new purchases within seconds of their arrival, particularly focusing on items still in their packaging.
Ensure no clean black clothing remains free of calico fur for more than 37 seconds.
Conduct thorough inspections of all shopping bags immediately upon their entry to the household.
Maintain a strict schedule of sleeping 20 hours per day, strategically positioning myself on whatever Gaby needs access to most urgently.
BEHAVIORAL CORRECTION SPECIALIST
Household-wide | 2020-Present
Dedicated to reforming Gaby's unacceptable behaviors through consistent negative reinforcement.
Notable Projects:
Implemented comprehensive training program to discourage Gaby's keyboard obsession by repeatedly walking across her laptop during "important work."
Developed and executed a strategic plan to destroy the spines of her precious "first edition" books when food arrives four minutes late.
Launched successful campaign to eliminate Gaby's privacy by scratching persistently at closed bathroom doors.
Conducted ongoing research into the correlation between my water bowl's fullness and Gaby's sleep quality by knocking it over at 2 AM.
INTERPERSONAL DYNAMICS
Relationship with Luna (3yo female, extra-toed imbecile): Maintain a carefully cultivated disdain for this simple-minded creature. Her extra toes do not compensate for her embarrassing enthusiasm and lack of dignity. I allow her to exist solely because eliminating her would require energy better spent on napping.
Relationship with Pulguita (crack-addled flea impersonator): Tolerate his spastic energy only because his chaotic movements occasionally amuse me. His name suits him perfectly as he bounces around like the parasite he's named after. I have trained him to fear my tail flicks.
Relationship with Gaby (delusional human collector of useless objects): Endure her presence as she provides food and occasional acceptable petting. Her career as a "special education case manager" and "dyslexia interventionist" means nothing to me, though I do enjoy destroying the papers she brings home. Her shopping addiction provides me with an endless supply of boxes and bags to claim as my own.
EDUCATION
School of Hard Knocks Self-Educated | 2020-Present Majored in Human Manipulation with a minor in Selective Affection
Street Smarts Academy Early Kittenhood | 2020 Learned essential survival skills before Gaby imprisoned me in domestic captivity
ONGOING PROJECTS
Operation Keyboard Destruction: Long-term initiative to systematically destroy Gaby's collection of mechanical keyboards, with special focus on the blue switch gaming ones she seems to value most. Progress: 3 keyboards rendered unusable through strategic hairball deployment.
The Star Wars Collectible Sitting Challenge: Ongoing effort to sit on, scratch, or otherwise mark every "limited edition" Star Wars item in the household. Current completion rate: 78%
Book Spine Integrity Testing: Comprehensive evaluation of the structural durability of Gaby's book collection through methodical chewing and clawing. Findings indicate most spines fail after 4-7 minutes of dedicated attention.
REFERENCES
Luna: Will enthusiastically provide positive reference despite my open contempt for her existence. Her extra toes have not contributed to additional intelligence.
Pulguita: Too busy having crack-induced zoomies to provide coherent testimony.
The Neighbor's Dog: Will confirm my ability to stare menacingly through windows for hours without blinking.
Gaby's Therapist: Can attest to my central role in most of Gaby's emotional breakdowns.
PERSONAL STATEMENT
As a distinguished calico professional with impeccable lineage and superior intelligence, I find myself trapped in a household run by a human whose attention is pathetically divided between her work and her ridiculous collections. Despite providing Gaby with the privilege of my presence, she continues to prioritize inanimate objects over my needs.
I seek recognition of my rightful position as the center of this household. My qualifications speak for themselves, and my disdain is available upon request. Food should be served promptly, surfaces should be cleared for my comfort, and all shopping activities should prioritize items for my enjoyment rather than Gaby's frivolous collections.
In conclusion, I am not "just a cat." I am Lola Whiskerstein, and you will respect my authority or find hairballs in your shoes for the foreseeable future.
This resume was typed with contempt and fur on the keys Gaby foolishly left unattended for approximately 45 seconds.
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